Some churches are not healthy. This can be because of bad doctrines or bad attitudes or bad pastors. What can we do to help people we love who are attending a church that isn't good for them?

The first thing is what not to do. Don't nag. Don't push. Don't try to make them leave. We don't want other people controlling our lives. We want to make our own decisions. Well, so do our friends and family members.

We can pray, and keep on praying. We can ask God to open their eyes and make them hungry for the truth. We can ask God to lead them to the right church in His way and in His timing.

I have a friend whose daughter attended a church where the pastor was so controlling that she was afraid that the church was becoming a cult. She tried to talk her daughter into leaving. That backfired. The daughter hardened her position that she was going to stay, and the relationship between mother and daughter became very strained. So my friend just prayed and prayed, and worked on showing love for her daughter and rebuilding her relationship with her. After several years, God opened the daughter's eyes, and she left that church based on her own convictions.

We can strengthen our relationship with the people that we are concerned about. In order to be able to share our concerns with them, there must be love and trust between us.

We can ask God to show us if we should share our concerns directly. And if so, how to do it. This is an issue that involves the heart and the will, and not just the intellect. It involves loyalty and friendships and a way of life. It is a very individual matter. For one person, the right approach might be to gently indicate that we have a concern and we are available if they want to talk about it. For another person, we may be able to talk about some issues, or share a video or a book. For some people (like my friend's daughter) the best approach is just to pray. We need to seek the Lord about this, rather than looking for a technique or a cookbook answer.

If it is appropriate to discuss doctrinal issues, then we need to keep reminding ourselves that this is ministry, and not a debating club. You can win an argument and lose a friendship. Also, if a person changes churches, it should be based on their own convictions. We can help them have informed convictions. But the convictions need to really be theirs, and not just ours. If their main reason for leaving is because we talked them into it, then later someone else can come along and talk them out of it.

We may need to be willing to help in practical ways. For example, there are some cults where if a person leaves the cult, then their family and friends will turn against them. They could wind up without a home and without a job. We might need to be willing to take someone into our homes and be like a family for them until they can get on their feet emotionally and financially.

If they do leave the church that they presently attend, then they will need to find a good church. If they don't, then they may wind up worse off than they were before. I know people who wound up in the occult because they attended a church that had been infiltrated by New Age teaching.

If they live near us, we can invite them to our church. But if they prefer to go to another church then we should not put pressure on them to attend ours. Individuals are very different, and so are churches. Something else may be more appropriate for them. God may want them at that other church for reasons that we don't understand. There may be people there who will be important in their life. God promised that He would guide His people, so we can trust Him to guide our friends and family members if they love Him. Psalm 37:23-24 says, "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand."

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Copyright 2001 by Mary Ann Collins. All rights reserved.

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